


With The Apocalypse No Longer Nigh My Dear What Shall We Do For Christmas This Year?

by imthehotgirl



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, M/M, No Apocalypse, Paranoia, Pseudo-Incest, kliego - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-31 00:18:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19038502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imthehotgirl/pseuds/imthehotgirl
Summary: In an effort to get a paranoid/obsessive Five out of the Academy for awhile Klaus insists he, Five and Diego go Christmas shopping. Lies are told, feelings are revealed and Five finally gets a decent cup of coffee.





	With The Apocalypse No Longer Nigh My Dear What Shall We Do For Christmas This Year?

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, I have no fucking clue what this is. I am well aware it's not Christmas. I guess I'm just in the middle of writing this other really angsty Kliego fic and this was me 'getting my feet wet' in the TUA fandom with this oneshot? The idea for this fic came out of fucking nowhere, obviously, what with the Christmas theme. I just, um, I'm nervous? Heh Anyway, pay attention to the tags and otherwise, enjoy? Maybe? :o)

Two weeks shy of Christmas Klaus stumbled into the kitchen, pushing his palms deep into his eyes for a moment as he became a bit more alert. Dropping his hands to his sides he was none too surprised to see Five up to his eyeballs in research papers, textbooks and self-made notations. The kid (and Klaus used that term loosely) looked like he'd been up all night cramming for an exam. His hair was disheveled, the pen he held in his hand was shaking in his grasp, he had dark circles under both his eyes and his right eye kept twitching as he continued to work, clearly past the point of exhaustion, possibly strung-out if Klaus had to hazard a guess.

Before Klaus could say anything to Five Diego entered the room completely obliterating any trace of an idea from Klaus's sleep addled mind. He wore a pair of form-fitting black boxer briefs (leaving little to the imagination), no shirt (which left Klaus biting back a whimper as he silently took in the sight of the other man's abs and nipple ring) and his hair was clearly still bedridden, looking no better really than Five's, but considering it was Diego... It had to be a sin to look that delicious so early in the morning. Well, unless you were a homemade breakfast Klaus supposed.

"What the hell?" Diego asked as he took in the scene before them, his voice a hoarse rumble that sent shivers down Klaus's spine.

At the sound of Diego's voice Five drew in a sharp breath, finally coming to the realization that he wasn't alone. "Jesus," he grumbled irritably. "I need more coffee." The chair he'd been sitting in scraped against the tiled floor as he got to his feet, making his way toward the coffee maker they'd purchased a few months earlier.

"Five, what the hell are you doing?" Diego repeated. Klaus felt relieved he was taking the lead on this. He had his suspicions about what was happening but he didn't want to jump to any rash conclusions. It was too damn early for him to be an active participant in any kind of mental breakdown intervention. If that's, in fact, what this was.

"What does it look like?!" Five snapped, glaring at Diego.

'Oh fuck it.' Klaus thought. "Honestly, it kind of looks like you're in the middle of trying to come up with another way to avoid nasty, hellish, Lucifer-worshipping end times," he replied bluntly.

Diego's eyes widened at this revelation and he and Klaus shared a brief, calculating look before returning their attention back to Five.

When it became clear Five wasn't planning on denying it Diego let loose a heavy sigh. "We avoided the apocalypse months ago, man. Don't you remember?"

"Yes, of course I remember, Diego. I AM smarter than you after all," Five retorted angrily. Klaus just barely had enough sense to spring into action, holding Diego back before he could throttle Five with his bare hands. "But that doesn't mean we didn't set other things in motion to eventually bring about another apocalypse," Five insisted, his eye beginning to twitch again. "They're out there. Watching me. Watching everything we do. I know it. We just...we have too..." he trailed off, clutching the mug of coffee he held in his hands tightly, practically worshipping it as he took a generous gulp.

"Go shopping!" Klaus suddenly blurted out. Diego snorted, staring at him with a mixture of amusement and disbelief. Five on the other hand had pulled the mug of coffee close to his chest, a look of pure disgust lighting his features. "Yep, that's right. We're going shopping. Right now. Both of you. Chop, chop!" he declared, watching with mild satisfaction as Diego and Five followed through on his direction.

**

Midafternoon, bogged down with shopping bags, the three of them came to a stop at an empty bench just shy of where 'Santa's Workshop' was setup and a small group of children and their parents were mingling around waiting to see Santa.

Klaus let out an audible gasp. "Isn't that just the cutest thing?" he insisted, pointing at a little boy being put on Santa's lap, his parents beaming at him and softly encouraging him to 'tell Santa' what he wanted for Christmas. Klaus quickly rounded on Five, giving him a hopeful yet devilish look.

Five's regular look of indifference melted into one of revulsion. "Oh, hell no."

Klaus immediately turned his attention to Diego. "What he said," Diego muttered, jerking his thumb in Five's direction, anxiously running his hand along the hilt of one of his knives, avoiding making direct eye contact with Klaus.

Klaus pouted. "Christ, you guys suck. And not in the fun way," he grumbled.

Diego rolled his eyes, sighing softly. "All right, Klaus, you win. I'll do it."

Ignoring Klaus's obvious delight at the sudden turn of events, Five's gaze became venomous the longer he held eye contact with Diego before rounding on him completely.

"Have you fucking lost it?!" he hissed, getting right into Diego's face while he spoke. "There are bound to be easier ways to get into his pants other than humiliating the both of us! Unless it's escaped your notice that I'm a little 'too old' for this whole Santa schtick."

Diego just gave Five a tight-lipped smile, patted him on the head before pushing him forward in the direction of Santa's Workshop. "Go on, kiddo. Your dad and I will meet up with you," he called out after Five, making sure to pitch his voice so the others nearby could hear him.

Once they had gathered up all their bags, Klaus took ahold of Diego's outstretched hand, letting the other man lead them toward Five. He looked up at Diego in concern when he felt pressure on his hand. That had always been a signal between them when they were younger, a signal that danger was looming.

"What now?" he practically whined, certain that Five had done something to blow their cover.

"Isn't that Kenny's mom?" Diego asked him instead.

Klaus frowned, utterly confused. "Who the hell is Kenny's...?" And in a matter of seconds he saw who Diego was referring too and it all came rushing back... the bowling alley, Kenny and his mom, Five being an utter bastard as per usual. "Christ, that woman is everywhere, huh?" he muttered, silently taking in her elf costume.

"Seems like it," Diego mumbled in agreement. They'd finally reached the makeshift North Pole.

Kenny's mom quickly spotted them, making her way over to them as Five finally reached the guy pretending to be Santa.

"Oh, hello! I remember you two!" Kenny's mom squealed, happy to see someone she recognized.

Klaus looked in Diego's direction. It quickly became clear to him that Diego wouldn't be much help since it appeared Diego had been struck mute for the time being.

"Hiii!" Klaus replied enthusiastically in an attempt to make up for Diego's silence and whatever horrific thing Five might've possibly said when he and Diego had been out of earshot. "This whole thing is just too adorable!" he gushed, nodding in the direction of the fake snow and plastic reindeer.

"Isn't it?" Kenny's mom agreed pleasantly with a firm nod. "I think it's so sweet your son still believes in Santa."

"It was either that or a certain president. And no way in hell was that happening," Klaus replied with a sharp bark of laughter.

"Damn right, baby," Diego murmured in agreement, kissing Klaus on the cheek.

Klaus blushed, beaming at Diego before returning his attention to Kenny's mom.

"So be honest. Did he behave himself while he waited in line?" he asked, his demeanor appearing serious and a tad anxious as he talked about Five. "We were just appalled at his behavior at the bowling alley that day. He was raised better than that."

Diego snorted in response, quickly covering with a fake cough. Klaus reached out and ran his hand along the other man's back until Diego gave him a thumb's up in response as he buried his head in his arm on Klaus's shoulder to stifle his continued laughter.

Kenny's mom gave Diego a worried glance before rushing to assure Klaus he needn't worry himself. "He was an angel. He even let a few of the younger ones ahead of him. You really shouldn't stress yourselves over one little incident. I'm sure he was just having an off day, right?"

"Right," Klaus choked out, giving her a forced smile while simultaneously elbowing Diego in the side to prevent him from saying anything stupid.

A few minutes later Five appeared in front of them. "I'm done. Can we get coffee now?" he asked dryly.

"He means hot chocolate," Klaus readily explained, taking Five's hand and leading him away from Santa's Workshop. Before Diego could follow after them Kenny's mom put a hand on his shoulder to stop him for a moment.

"Your family is so sweet," she insisted.

Swallowing back all the natural sarcastic responses that were on the tip of his tongue, Diego finally nodded. "Thank you," he replied instead, giving her a brief smile before taking off after Klaus and Five.

**

Once they'd gotten back to the Academy and Five had a decent-sized mug of coffee in front of him again it occurred to Klaus that they hadn't discussed what Five had 'asked Santa' for Christmas.

Five snorted. "Oh, that. Well, I told the old man I'd really like a slug of whiskey if he had any on him. Barring that, I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of my 'parents' boning," he replied, flashing a broad, forced smile. "Now leave me alone. I need to get back to work," he mumbled, with only a slight edge to his voice as he pulled one of his notebooks toward him for closer inspection.

Klaus sighed, leaving Five alone in the kitchen as requested, heading in the direction of his bedroom. After reaching the top of the stairs he didn't even flinch watching one of Diego's knives flying mere inches away from his face, landing with a dull 'thunk' in the wall on his left.

"Put it on and get in here." Diego's voice echoed down the hall from his room. Klaus swallowed, wetting his lips before turning his head toward the wall. A Santa hat, held in place by the knife Diego had thrown, was hanging on the wall. He couldn't help but smile as he yanked the knife out of the wall and jammed the hat on his head before making his way into Diego's room. He was none too surprised to see Diego, also in a Santa hat and shirtless yet again, stretched out on the bed in the corner.

Klaus was soon on the bed, hovering over Diego, while silently handing over the knife. Diego wordlessly sheathed it before effortlessly flipping them. "Better?" he murmured against Klaus's open mouth.

"Much," Klaus rasped in agreement, leaning upward just the slightest bit, mercifully closing the distance between them, their mouths melding together, Diego's tongue dipping further inward until Klaus could've sworn he was seeing stars or some other crazy intense bullshit he thought was only possible being high. He nearly whimpered in protest when Diego pulled back, brushing his lips against Klaus's forehead briefly, the hat having been pushed back off his head, resting on the edge of the bed. "Diego?"

"Hmm?" Diego replied lazily, smirking at Klaus. And seriously, what the fuck? 'Santa should not look that hot'. Klaus thought to himself, biting down on his lip as the image of Diego in that stupid hat hit him where it counted.

"Five was right. There are easier ways to get in my pants," Klaus confirmed with a smirk of his own.

Diego huffed out an amused laugh. "Oh, I'm sure, Klaus. But it's Christmas. I don't mind having to open a few presents," he insisted, winking at Klaus.

"Okay. But full disclosure. I've been very, very naughty this year," Klaus replied huskily, pulling Diego down into another kiss.

 

THE END

 


End file.
